A Wicked Wicking Report

And since this is a slow day as I wait for my bus here in Glasgow, I will now give you my wicked wicking report on the state of the newest technical traveling duds. But first, I want to thank you for your patience. I know that some of you have been waiting with bated breath (no, don’t tell me what you baited it with!) for the long promised dissertation on the drying properties of my underwear. It’s not as if any of you have asked via email, but I put that down to your politeness and restraint. Without doubt, these are the lightest, most comfortable clothes I’ve ever worn. They are so light and unobtrusive that I go about in constant fear that I’m not wearing them? and an even worse fear that nobody will notice or care. However, you want to know about the clothes and not my psychological quirks, so here goes.

The shirts are simply amazing; they don’t wrinkle (if I see wrinkles, I know I forgot to put one on); and they go from damp to dust in a twinkling. The pants take only a little longer to dry, mostly because of the waistband. One of the pants is convertible and can be transformed into shorts in an instant by a simple zip of the zippers.

Let us now delve into the nether world of the underwear. I have two kinds; one is Coolmax, and they dry about as well as the pants and shirts. And then there is the other kind, the crinoline ones. No, I don’t mean “crinoline,” I mean “capilene.” I get mixed up because of the ruffles. No, “ruffles” isn’t exactly what I mean either…I need to slow down and admit something. (Excuse me, while I take a deep breath.) These particular underwear confuse and trouble me. The word “voluminous” springs to mind, but it is completely inadequate. I don’t understand the amount of material as it relates to the intended purpose. While I can’t say there are ruffles, there are folds, plaits, creases, swathes, crenellations, and, yes, caverns, and maybe chasms. These features make a certain object difficult to locate especially under pressure. Of course, one can always explore upstream to the source, but by then it is too late. The waistband is normal, but after that it is one size fits all? – and I mean collectively, not individually. I now have a better concept of the expanding universe. I wish I had kept the original packaging – the part where it explains how the underwear can double as a portable carport or a parachute.

Sadly, I must turn to the socks. The salesman assured me they were quick drying. He lied. Or else he was a former geologist and was thinking in a completely different time frame. I wring those suckers out at night until not a whimper of moisture remains. Then in the morning, I wring them again; and they flow like Niagara. They actually seem to draw water out of the atmosphere (perhaps the marketing people missed the mark; they should have been sold as dehumidifiers). In truth, I think they may be some kind of predatory sponge, disguised as common socks, so they can attract some poor, unsuspecting sole. Actually, I think the problem is they are not truly and fully “technical.” Somehow some miscegenated cotton or wool got mixed in.

Okay, end of report: from now on, unless there’s a ripping good reason, I’ll leave the underwear where it belongs – acting as a tent for some Midwest revival meeting.